The Flow State: How To Gain Confidence When You Go Out

The Power of Flow States

 

In flow, the part of your brain that makes you feel self-doubt and insecurity literally shuts off. Normally you might see an attractive girl and think,

She’ll probably reject me.

She’s with her friends, I don’t want to bother her.

She’s too hot, I need to ‘warm up’ with some fewer intimidating girls.

Etc.

But when you’re in a flow state seeing an attractive woman will trigger radically different thoughts:

She wants a guy like me to approach her.

That guy she’s with is probably her gay friend.

She looks bored, I should brighten up her day by meeting her.

These positive thoughts will lead you to take positive actions (like approaching a girl or inviting her back to your place), and because you’re coming across as a supremely self-confident man, she’s FAR more likely to respond positively while talking with you.

Through thousands of hours of experimentation, I have found there are three key rules you must follow to consistently enter a flow state.

Follow these rules and total self-confidence will become a state you can summon whenever you want it.

 

Rule 1: Push Each Interaction Further Than The Last

 

Psychologists have found that the first and most important condition for entering a flow state is to do something that’s challenging (but not overwhelmingly challenging). (https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*KdE_EfgeK7Ya_fUaQU1Ntg.jpeg)

For example, if you were to play basketball against middle schoolers, you wouldn’t enter flow because there wouldn’t be enough challenge (hopefully).

On the other hand, if you were to play basketball against NBA pros, you wouldn’t enter flow because the challenge would be too great.

However, if you played basketball against opponents at roughly your skill-level, you would enter a flow state.

 

 

Here’s a list of relevant challenging actions you can take to enter a flow state while meeting women:

  • High-five people as you walk by.
  • Give a girl a compliment as you walk by (without starting a real conversation)
  • Give a girl a compliment and continue the conversation for at least 30 seconds.
  • Ask a girl for her phone number.
  • Lean in for a kiss.
  • Invite a girl to dance with you.
  • Ask a girl to change venues with you.

To enter flow, you’ll want to determine which of these actions is challenging enough to energize you, but not so challenging that you feel overwhelmed.

Personally, I often start my nights out not feeling social at all. So, I start getting myself in the zone by high-fiving some people or giving women compliments as I walk by them, (I.E. “I like your style.”)

Once I’m comfortable giving compliments, I take things up a notch by approaching women and starting a real conversation. The first few approaches I do rarely last more than a minute or two (at this point I’m still a little choppy), but each approach I do makes me feel a bit more confident in myself.

Once I’m comfortable approaching, I’ll make a point to lead my interactions progressively further. This means that:

  • I’ll have longer conversations.
  • I’ll bring the girls I approach to the dance floor or make out with them.
  • And eventually, if I meet a girl I have good chemistry with, I’ll take her home.

When I enter a club I’m usually in a logical, non-social state, but by following the above process, I become incredibly confident within 30 minutes.

My normal social fears completely vanish and I’m able to do things (like bring a beautiful girl home with me) I would never have previously thought possible.

Your process for pushing each interaction further than the last may differ from mine. You might not need to warm up by giving compliments or hi-fiving people like I do (experiment with what works best for you.)

Regardless of your exact process, the underlying principle for this rule is that you shouldn’t expect too much of yourself at the beginning of a night (or day) out – your first approaches aren’t likely to lead to anything sexual.

However, as you approach more women, your confidence will rapidly increase. And as you feel increasingly self-confident, you’ll be able to push your interactions progressively further – until you pull a girl home with you.

 

Rule 2: Act More, Think Less

 

Flow is a state in which your excuses and fears no longer have power over you. To enter this state, you must take so much action that your mind can’t keep up (so that eventually it gives up trying to control you.)

If you approach a girl and she leaves to “find her friends,” don’t stand around and think about why you got rejected – you’re just going to start overthinking and stress yourself out.

To prevent myself from overthinking, I jump from one interaction to another immediately. The less time I spend between approaches, the faster I enter flow.

To make this practical, you can start mentally counting up after you end an interaction with a girl. As you count [1,2,3,4,etc.] you’ll feel a mounting pressure to approach another girl. This will help prevent you from wasting too much time between interactions.

As a rule of thumb, you should aim to spend about 80% of your time in a club (or doing daygame) interacting with women. If you’re spending most of your time standing around observing the environment, you’re not going to enter a flow state (and you’re going to miss countless opportunities with beautiful women).

Approach All

I often approach women who I’m not physically attracted to. If I spend too much time looking for a girl who’s ‘hot enough’ to approach, I’m inviting myself to start making excuses.

So, I’ll approach anyone. I’m at the club to have fun and be social, I can do that with anyone, not just attractive women. By having fun with a girl who I don’t have sexual interest in, I will be in a more confident, carefree mood when I approach a girl who is stunningly beautiful.

(PS: If you’re only approaching women you want to sleep with, that can reinforce a mindset that you’re only talking to girls who you want to ‘get’ sex from. This mindset is inherently unattractive because it’s about taking value from women. By approaching everyone and having fun with them, you’re approaching to offer value – which is far more attractive.)

When you’re out, the more time you spend taking action, the less your mind will get in your way. I’m not advocating that you aggressively hit on every woman you see. Instead, I’m suggesting that you socialize with as many people as possible. By doing so, you’ll get yourself into a state of mind in which you’ll be able to effortlessly approach and attract beautiful women.

 

Rule 3: Embrace Rejection

 

The only way to avoid rejection is to stay at home and watch porn.

Rejection is an unavoidable part of the game: the way you respond to it is going to determine the results you get. If you see rejection as a bad thing, it’s going to be very difficult to have fun while going out and meeting women.

I’ve been rejected a lot, probably thousands of times. And that’s okay – by going through those rejections I was also able to date some incredible women. Furthermore, each rejection made me fear future rejections little bit less.

Don’t Dwell on Rejection

Harsh truth: most of your interactions with women are going to end in rejection. These rejections are harmless, UNLESS you think they mean something is wrong with you.

If you go up to a girl and she says, “Sorry, you’re just not my type.”

You might start thinking, “It’s because of my race, women aren’t attracted to Asians.” Or you might think, “It’s because I’m too short, it’s not fair.”

If you start down this train of thought, you’re going to end up feeling bitter and victimized – and this attitude makes you far less attractive to women.

When I get rejected, I still feel bitter about it sometimes. But as soon as I notice that feeling, I jump into another interaction. I don’t give myself the opportunity to dwell on negative thoughts. Beyond that, I immunize myself to rejection by finding humor in it.

Find The Humor In Rejection

Look, unless you’re an ego-less being, rejections are going to affect your emotional state sometimes. However, rejections won’t ruin your night. unless you let them. Rejection is an opportunity to take yourself less seriously. If you can find the humor in rejection, it will stop having power over you.

Practically speaking, you can turn rejections into a joke by making them absurd. For example, if a girl says, “Sorry, I’m not interested,” you can say, “Call me!” as she walks away. Obviously, she’s not going to call you, but you’re turning the rejection into something playful and carefree.

Other things you can say to make a rejection playful:

Wait! I make a lot of money, if that helps. Are you sure you don’t want to date me? My mom says I’m a catch! Or any similar line you can come up with yourself.

You can also immunize yourself to rejection by taking a moment after being rejected to tell yourself, “Fuck yeah, I had the courage to put myself out there and nothing that bad happened.” Telling yourself a line like this will help you subconsciously reinforce that getting rejected is actually a good thing.

The first few rejections you get on a night out might sting, but if you persist, you’ll reach a point in which you no longer care about being rejected, and rejection will no longer negatively affect your emotional state.

 

Conclusion: How To 10x Your Confidence With Women By Entering A Flow State

 

When you approach a woman in a confident, assertive state, attraction will naturally build between the two of you. The idea that you need to say a special line or “neg” a girl to attract her is completely false.

Sexual attraction is a biological process that occurs automatically when a woman interacts with a man who expresses attractive qualities (like confidence).

By following the process,I outlined above for entering a flow state, you will be able to make women feel (on a subconscious, emotional level), that you are a highly attractive man.

Now, you can and should develop your overall level of self-confidence.

But learning how to enter flow allows you to hack your own emotional state so that even if you’re normally shy and insecure, you can become supremely self-confident whenever you want to.

I understand you may be skeptical of the idea that you can (fairly easily) enter a state in which your confidence level is radically increased.

I would be skeptical myself if I hadn’t experienced this state countless times (and helped many other guys do so as well). You should be skeptical, but once you try the process outlined above, you’ll see for yourself that flow states are not only real, but are capable of transforming your dating life.

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