The unadorned truth can be intensely uncomfortable to receive; that’s why little white lies are so popular and we would rather take both criticism and advice with a sweet sugar coating, especially in matters of romance.
Hearing the truth often has difficult consequences. It makes us regard ourselves and our lives in a new light, pointing out things that need improvement or a complete renovation.
When giving dating advice, I sometimes have to present hard truths.
A whetstone is hard on a knife, but if it were soft it would be utterly ineffective. I help single men hone away comfortable misconceptions to a fine edge that will lead to success. These are six blunt and constructive dating truths to help give you that edge.
1. An interested girl makes time for you
One of the signs that a girl likes you is that she is actively interested in seeing you. Continuing and strengthening the connection between you is not something that leads to long gaps in communication and excuses instead of opportunities to spend time together.
A girl probably will not want to appear over-eager, but if she’s constantly wanting to be chased, or not responding to overtures, it is probably time to move on. If several attempts to make plans don’t receive an interested reaction, find another woman who does want to invest in the relationship and spend time together.
2. You need to expand your options or risk settling with someone wrong
A narrow dating field can make it seem impossible not only to find someone who is right for you, but to find someone at all. When you face scarce or limited options, the temptation to cling to the first woman who displays any interest is a strong one.
In my opinion, the preference to be with anybody rather than be alone is one of the causes for a high divorce rate. A lack of objectivity leads to co-dependence and an unhealthy relationship built on a poor foundation.
Ideally, your goal in dating will be to find someone compatible rather than simply finding someone who is interested. Meeting a broader number and variety of people greatly increases your chances of finding that compatible someone. Seeking self-improvement is also likely to bring you together with someone else with strong self-worth and a desire for improvement.
3. The challenge is not in getting the girl, but keeping her
Men often focus entirely on overcoming the anxiety of approaching women and hope for a single solution that instantly solves that problem. Just as promises to lose weight and gain muscle instantly are unreal, a simple solution to establishing a strong relationship does not exist and misses the real problem. For a healthier body, effort over a period of time is required. The same is true for finding a healthy and lasting relationship.
Initial attraction is simple compared to a relationship maintained for the long haul. If you wait until problems are evident to put real effort in, you’ve waited too long. Strong relationships rely on constant effort that is put forth equally by both parties. This effort leads to growth, a stronger and lasting connection, and the desire to grow together.
4. You have no control over your partner’s fidelity
Apart from locking your partner in the basement, you have no control over whether she stays true or cheats on you. You can focus on having a relationship with the right person, putting in effort to be the best possible partner, and establishing clear and open communication.
Cheating tends to happen when someone feels there is an inadequacy in a relationship, whether the lack is romantic or emotional. When all needs are fulfilled, there is no urge to seek fulfillment elsewhere. And if your partner cheats despite these efforts, it is time to find someone who truly respects you.
5. If she breaks up with you, she likely prefers to remain apart
Breakups are hard, especially when it was not your choice to separate. Guys often want advice in getting an ex back, but one of the hardest dating truths to hear is that she probably does not want to resume the relationship.
Unless she is putting in the same amount of communication as she did while you were together, actively spending time with you, flirting, and telling you she’s interested in being together again, it is time to move on and respect her decision. Don’t let the rejection affect your self-worth, but continue seeking to grow and find the right relationship for you.
6. A girl you regard as angelically perfect likely has had dirty thoughts
Often when I recommend that a guy go ahead and make a move toward a girl, he responds by talking about how different she is. He puts her on a pedestal and wants to show respect for what he believes is her lack of desire for flirting or interest in sex.
Respect is a good intention, but you need to respect the actual girl, not the image you’ve developed in your imagination.
Realistically, she has at least had dirty thoughts. Even if she is a virgin, she has probably engaged in self-pleasure. If she isn’t a virgin, then she’s had sexual experiences and likely enjoyed it.
Sexual desire does not make your interest wrong or disrespectful. Just be sure that you show an interest in more than physical attraction and that you have the right reasons in desiring her.
A realistic and honest approach to dating cuts out the frustration created by wasting time and effort in the wrong relationships or fearing to start a relationship at all. Acknowledging these dating truths, and making any necessary adjustments, will help you find dating success and a healthy, enduring relationship.